| Current mood: |  bitchy |
Braveheart
This time, it's just the two of us because ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
cloudlessnights is on vacation. And honestly, we were starting to envy her while we were watching Mel Gibson's Braveheart. Expect an unusual amount of venom in this one… and as always, make sure to join in!
Btw, added pictures are a result of our trip to Scotland from which we've just returned!
fourth_rose: May I state at the very beginning that I have absolutely no wish to see this film again?
cutecoati: You're not chickening out now and leaving me ALONE??
Voiceover: 1280. Historians from England will call me a liar, but history is written by those who have hanged heroes.
fourth_rose: Fess up, dear colleague, how many heroes have you hanged so far?
cutecoati: *whistles innocently* Btw, 1280? I thought the whole mess started when the Scottish king Alexander III died in 1286?
+++
Exposition: The English king Edward I invites the Scottish noblemen to peace talks. He's not at war with them, but who cares?
fourth_rose: Kilts!! Kilts!! Repeat after me: not before the 16th century!!!
cutecoati: Come on, otherwise they'd never know who is who in battle.
fourth_rose: The unwashed ones are obviously meant to be the Scots.
+++
Hut of hanged noblemen.
cutecoati: WTF???
William the Kid: *freaks out*
cutecoati: Maybe he's just been told that he's going to grow into Mel Gibson? Oh, and over there - a hanged child!
fourth_rose: Er, I thought this was meant to be the peace conference. What's a child doing there, anyway?
cutecoati: Supplying the director with the opportunity to show that the English are the baaaaaaaaaaaad guys in this movie.
+++
Wallace senior: Let's fight the English!
Fellow Scots: Umh, ah… you know, we're farmers… all the noblemen were killed at the meeting!
fourth_rose: Then who's Robert the Bruce, pray?
cutecoati: And since when are the Wallaces farmers? Lower gentry, okay, but farmers?
Wallace senior: We don't have to beat them, just fight them.
cutecoati: Now that's what I call a strategist!
fourth_rose: And look, they got their swords hidden under the roofs of their cottages!
cutecoati: Thank God it never rains in Scotland.
+++
William the Kid: I wanna fiiiiiiiight…
Wallace senior: I know you can fight, but it's our wits that make us men.
fourth_rose: No men on the entire planet, then. (Sorry, guys ;-)
cutecoati: *suffocating sounds*
+++
fourth_rose: I know they have to get the point across that these are the "Dark Ages", but why are all the Scots so incredibly dirty? They look like they'd come straight out of a Monty Python movie!
cutecoati: Bring out your dead! Or rather, bring home your dead because look, Daddy Wallace has kicked the bucket.
Little William watches his father's body being washed.
cutecoati: Great, now they're washing him!
fourth_rose: And they're burying him five inches deep! Man, that's going to stink…
Foreshadowing of lovestory. Little girl stares at little Willy, then walks over to him and hands him a thistle.
fourth_rose: Means he's a prick, I suppose.
+++
Uncle Argyle: You're going to come with me, boy.
cutecoati: Well, he's dressed a lot better.
fourth_rose: And cleaner!
Uncle Argyle: You don't speak any Latin, boy? We'll remedy that.
fourth_rose: How would the son of a farmer know any Latin?
cutecoati: And what should he learn it for?
fourth_rose: If you change the background of a historical person, then at least stick with your version, people.
Bagpipe serenade at Wallace senior's grave.
Uncle Argyle: Listen, boy. Outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes.
cutecoati: Outlawed by whom? Can we establish here that the English are not ruling Scotland at this point??
fourth_rose: There seems to be some confusion with the ban of Scottish national symbols after the defeat of Bonnie Prince Charlie at Culloden in the year forty-six. Seventeen forty-six, that is.
cutecoati: And speaking of anachronisms, the sword which the boy is brandishing is a claymore from the 16th century.
+++
The English king Edward I attends the wedding of his son with princess Isabelle of France.
fourth_rose: It's a well-established fact that the future Edward II was gay, but there's such a thing as overdoing the stereotype.
cutecoati: Wait, let me at least get the timelines straight (no, that was not intended as a pun). William Wallace was born in the 1270s and died in 1305. Edward II was born in 1284 and married Isabelle in 1308 when he was already king and Wallace was dead!
fourth_rose: Nitpicker, you.
King Edward: Let's send our noblemen to Scotland. Never mind that they have no business there and that I'm not entitled to send them.
Adviser: But they'll have to pay taxes.
cutecoati: Noblemen pay taxes? When hell freezes over, buddy.
King: But I'll grant them the ius primae nocte. We'll breed the Scottish out to get the nobility we want there.
fourth_rose: Where to begin?
cutecoati: One: it's ius primae noctis. Second, it's one of the most stupid myths about the Middle Ages ever. Third, is the king implying that the illegitimate offspring of noblemen and commoners are nobles themselves? That's a new one.
fourth_rose: I officially do not understand this plan anyway.
cutecoati: He's basically giving away a country that doesn't belong to him in the first place.
+++
Robert the Bruce: I'm the Earl of Bruce…
fourth_rose: No, you're not. You're the Earl of Carrick.
Robert the Bruce: …and I'm uncertain in my loyalties. I mean, I'm Scottish, but hey, the English king grants us ius primae nocta!
cutecoati: *whimpers*
+++
Enter adult William Wallace.
fourth_rose: Hey, any proper Scotsman would be ashamed of that excuse for a beard!
cutecoati: And he's supposed to be of an age with Robert the Bruce. Sorry, Mel, but no one is going to buy that.
Wallace: *talks Scottish. Or so he thinks*
fourth_rose: You know, there's something seriously wrong with an accent when a non-native speaker like me can hear that it's fake.
cutecoati: Oh my god, and now he's speaking French.
fourth_rose: Well, he's trying to impress his girl.
cutecoati: Btw, why is she called Murron? Wallace's wife was called Marian.
fourth_rose: I suppose they were afraid that the audience would confuse him with Robin Hood.
cutecoati: *headdesk*
+++
Wallace: Marry me?
Murron: Aye, that's a yes.
Wallace: Yeah.
fourth_rose: Oh God, a secret wedding all alone in the woods. And the poor farm girl brought a white wedding dress, too. May I point out that a wedding sans witnesses is questionable by definition?
cutecoati: Well, at least they didn't have to go to Gretna Green.
Wedding night…
fourth_rose (covers eyes): Please tell me when Mel Gibson is dressed again.
+++
Ebil Englishmen go after Wallace's girl wife.
cutecoati: Will you look at these track armours they're wearing! I'm particularly fond of the trousers made of tiny metal plates…
fourth_rose: Bound to chafe, that.
English lord: You attacked the King's soldiers, wench! I will totally cut your throat now!!
fourth_rose: A lord working as executioner. Suuuuuuuure.
cutecoati: Why do they think executioners wear masks? It's because it's a disreputable business, not because they don't want to be recognized by their customers in the afterlife!
fourth_rose: Well, this particular lord also isn't ashamed to brawl with a farmer…
Wallace: *approaches on horseback in slow motion of doom*
cutecoati: Finally, he's allowed the first Jesus-like pose… pity that the "hands up" gesture only became common in the time of hand-guns.
Squabbling ensues.
Village people: Great idea! Uprising! Revolution! Kill the Englishmen! Allons, enfants de la patrie!
fourth_rose: And all that because, according to the real legend, he quarrelled with two English soldiers about some fish he'd caught.
cutecoati: Well, "some chick he'd caught" is considered more touching, I guess.
fourth_rose: Especially since Wallace's wife allegedly was killed by the English as a punishment after he'd started the uprising.
+++
Wallace gathers the rebels around him.
fourth_rose: Not to plagiarize the Secret Diaries, but does he ever wash his face?
cutecoati: I'm more impressed by the amount of swords these farmers possess. Apart from the fact that they obviously also know how to use them.
fourth_rose: Don't forget their battle-trained horses! That's no peasantry, that's a guerrilla force to begin with!
Wallace: Let's attack the English fort castle! Let's wear their uniforms so they will let us in!
cutecoati: The idea of 13th century uniforms is almost cute.
Wallace: Tell the English that Scotland is free!
cutecoati: Finally, the f-word! Mel was going blue in the face already.
fourth_rose: That comes later, I think. Besides, the English know that Scotland is a separate kingdom, and no-one during this time would have understood Mel's concept of "free".
+++
Robert the Bruce: Dad, can I have a word? I'm sorry you have to be a leper in this movie just because I was towards the end of my life, but the commoners are revolting.
Bruce senior: You go with Wallace, son; I'll stand with England. You have a strong claim to the Scottish throne, so let's keep our options open. But remember that the nobles are the key to the throne.
fourth_rose: Leprous or no, I could kiss this guy now.
cutecoati: The first historically correct statement in this whole bloody movie. Of course the nobles are the key. Who else??
+++
Isabelle's lady-in-waiting: OMG they killed Wallace's sweetheart because they were trying to get to him!! It was totally a trap OMG!!!
cutecoati: Uh… why? He hadn't done anything at that point!?!
Lady-in-waiting: And I know all this because I slept with the whole garrison OMG!!
fourth_rose: French slut cliché: check.
Lady-in-waiting: He's doing it all for twu wuv!!
Isabelle: *swoons*
fourth_rose: That's supposed to be the future "she-wolf of France"??
cutecoati: Well, she was but a kid at that time… and in France, but that's beside the point, I guess.
+++
Battle of Stirling bridge. Only, without a bridge.
fourth_rose: That battlefield looks more like an English golf course…
cutecoati: I have visions of a Tiger Woods cameo now. "Step off the lawn, you!!"
Scottish soldiers: The English are coming. Let's go home.
cutecoati: First intelligent suggestion in this movie.
Enter Wallace & men in blue war paint.
fourth_rose: Well, the kilts and the weapons are from the early modern period, so I guess it makes sense to contrast them with second century woad makeup.
Soldier: That's Wallace???
cutecoati: I can understand why he's having trouble believing it.
fourth_rose: Besides, I'm getting the feeling he's going to lead the whole battle by his lonesome. Where's Moray? You know, the other leader? The strategist?
cutecoati: Well, there's a "Mornay" on the cast list…
fourth_rose: That's a French sauce, not a military leader.
Wallace: *goes into full declamatory mode* …homage to Scotland blah blah… defiance of tyranny blah blah… fight as free men, sons of Scotland blah blah… Basically, give me liberty or give me death OMG!!!
cutecoati: I really hope he's wearing underwear under that kilt.
fourth_rose: Tight underwear.
Wallace: Englishmen, ask for forgiveness for a hundred years of theft, rape and murder!!
Englishmen: We've been at peace with Scotland for most of the 13th century, you bloody propagandist!!
Scots: *lift their kilts*
fourth_rose: No underwear, then…
cutecoati: I so didn't need to see that.
English: *shoot at bare Scottish arses*
Scots: *turn around very quickly*
Cavalry charge - and another slow motion of doom. As if the movie weren't long enough already. Merry butchering ensues.
cutecoati: Seriously, what's it with Mel Gibson and extra disgusting battle scenes?
fourth_rose: Besides, he's got a sword from the future, but he's never heard of helmets?
Wallace: Victory!! I totally didn't need that bloody bridge!
+++
Knighting ceremony. Wallace is declared Guardian of Scotland.
fourth_rose: I'm really curious at this point who's doing the knighting here - since the movie never mentioned so far that there are several Scottish nobles who have a claim to the throne…
cutecoati: …who asked the English king to come to Scotland because they couldn't agree on a candidate…
fourth_rose: Well, in this movie, they got all hanged for their efforts.
cutecoati: Then who are the guys in that hall now?
Scottish nobles: *bicker*
Robert the Bruce: *eyeroll*
Wallace: I'm leaving and invading England instead. Your position exists to provide the people of Scotland with freedom!!
Nobles: Huh?
fourth_rose: Freedom from what?
cutecoati: Look, Mel, a medieval peasant (in your words: a farmer from a time long ago) has a manorial lord for whom he works, and whether that lord is English or Scottish really doesn't make much of a difference to him!
fourth_rose: Besides, it's the lords who have to go to war when the need arises, not the peasants!
cutecoati: Because a peasant isn't trained to fight, for pity's sake.
Robert the Bruce: Willy, idiot, we need the nobles!
fourth_rose: Damn right you do!
Wallace: Men don't follow nobles, they follow courage!
Robert the Bruce: Mate, where are you from?
cutecoati (sings): Brave, brave Sir William…
+++
King Edward: Son, why is Wallace sacking York???
Prince: I've no idea! He's not supposed to do that!
King: Says who??
Prince: History!!
King: You pansy!! *throws son's lover out of the window* I'll send your wife to Wallace, just so you know.
Prince: *pouts* I think we just established that I SO don't care.
+++
Isabelle: I'm the Princess of Wales.
Wallace: No you aren't.
Isabelle: I know. Anyway, I'm here to bribe you.
Wallace: What are you offering?
Isabelle: Not what you're thinking, perv. Not yet, anyway. You'll get land, titles, and money, and you leave us alone in return.
Wallace: Slaves are made that way!
Isabelle: Show me one slave who has land, titles, and money, then. Btw, I know about your girl.
Wallace: *heartbreak mode* I've never spoken of it.
Isabelle: Then why is it the subject of bedroom gossip?
Wallace: You tell your king Wallace will not be ruled, and neither will any Scot while I live.
Isabelle: Did you tell that to the guys on your side who're fighting over the throne at the moment?
Wallace: Aren't you supposed to be smitten at this point?
Isabelle: Oh, right. *swoons*
+++
King Edward: Well done, bitch. You were just a ruse anyway while I was preparing another attack. Let's go stab him in the back.
Isabelle: Fine. Btw, I gave your money to the poor, and I'm SO warning my sweet Willy to beware of your ebil plans.
fourth_rose: The real Isabelle is rolling in her grave at this point.
+++
Scottish war council.
Robert the Bruce: *sigh*
Wallace: Give me all your men! We will fight!!!
Robert the Bruce: Sir William, STFU.
Wallace: Outrage!! If you're Scotsmen, then I'm not one!!
cutecoati: That explains the accent.
Wallace: We could have a country of our own!!
Robert the Bruce: You don't say. What do you think I want to become king of?
+++
Battle of Falkirk.
fourth_rose: Man, am I looking forward to seeing Mel getting his ass kicked.
King Edward: *is a heartless bastard*
Wallace: Bruce isn't coming OMG!!
cutecoati: Don't blame Robert the Bruce for your messing up!
Wallace: *waves for reinforcements*
Scottish lords: We'll pass, thx.
fourth_rose: That will teach you to keep a civil tongue in your head next time!
Wallace's troops: *get butchered*
Wallace: *rides straight into attacker's lance*
cutecoati: His lance is longer than your sword, buddy. Live with it.
fourth_rose: Well, that's what happens when farmers play knight.
English attacker turns out to be Robert the Bruce.
Wallace: Bruce! You betrayed me OMG!!
Robert the Bruce: Man, I'm surprised myself. Because in reality, I totally didn't.
+++
Robert the Bruce: Wah, I feel so baaaaad now. I sent my peasants to fight for me…
cutecoati: If you'd really done that, it would explain why you lost.
Bruce senior: Son, have you gone nuts?
Robert the Bruce: Sorry, Dad, I think I caught something from Wallace. It'll pass, I promise. I'll never be on the wrong side again.
fourth_rose: Because you've always been on your side and always will.
+++
Wallace: *starts killing ebil treacherous noblemen all by his lonesome*
fourth_rose: Isn't it interesting that political assassinations suddenly are noble deeds if he's doing them?
+++
Wallace: Bruce has asked me to come to Edinburgh.
Wallace's men: Can you say "trap"?
Wallace: Joining the nobles is our only chance.
cutecoati: Oh, is reality kicking in?
Wallace: *goes to see Bruce*
Scottish noblemen: *capture Wallace*
Robert the Bruce: Nooooooooooo! Dad, you bastard!! *shakes scheming leprous daddy*
cutecoati: Be careful or you'll be holding his ears in your hands.
Bruce senior: Shut up. You'll be king now.
Robert the Bruce: Well, ok. But I'm not happy, mind.
+++
Wallace in the dungeons.
Isabelle: Let me see the prisoner, underling.
fourth_rose: Finally, we get a glimpse of the real Isabelle.
Isabelle: *switches back into whining girl mode*
Wallace: Let me seize this last chance to spout patriotic platitudes. Freedom, freedom, freedom! Let me die a hero's death! Let them torture me, I'm totally into BDSM!!
+++
King Edward's sickbed.
Isabelle: Your majesty, let me keep my boytoy, pleeeeeeeease!
King: *rasping breath*
Isabelle: Ok, forget it. However, you might be interested in the fact that I got knocked up by your archenemy and that I'll get totally rid of your excuse for a son.
King: *rasping breath*
fourth_rose: One would think the history of Isabelle and Edward II is colourful enough without having to bring Wallace into the mix.
+++
Execution day. Wallace is being all sensitive.
fourth_rose: Hey, we're on the Via Dolorosa now! It's Wallace on a cross!
cutecoati: If it weren't for the kilt, I'd think we'd switched to "Passion of the Christ" at this point.
Wallace is hanged, drawn and quartered. Heroically, of course.
fourth_rose: Isn't it rather significant that they shot the execution of all things according to the historical facts?
cutecoati: I really wonder what makes Mel Gibson like scenes like that one so much.
Crowd: Mercy!
fourth_rose: Let him be, he's having the time of his life at the moment!
Isabelle: *tear*
fourth_rose: I'm a bit reluctant to say it…
cutecoati: …but he plays dying like having really smashing sex.
Wallace: FREEDOM!
fourth_rose: Oh, that's what they mean by "ejaculating a statement".
cutecoati: We get it that you get off on this, Mel. Give us a break already.
Robert the Bruce: *tear*
Axe: *falls*
cutecoati & fourth_rose: Oh, finally.
+++
Battle of Bannockburn.
cutecoati: It's nine years later already?
fourth_rose: Well, Wallace got executed eight years after Falkirk, and they passed like whoa, too.
Voiceover: I, Robert the Bruce, went to kick English butts this morning. For William Wallace, of course. *cough*
Robert the Bruce: Men, you have bled with Wallace. Now bleed for with me.
cutecoati: Oh God, not another one.
Men: Wallace! Wallace!
Robert the Bruce: Man, will I be glad when I don't have to hear that name anymore.
Voiceover Mel Gibson: They fought like warrior poets. They fought like Scotsmen and won their freedom.
fourth_rose: Fortunately, Robert the Bruce did not fight like a poet and therefore became King of Scotland.
cutecoati: Scotland went on exactly as before because, in all honesty, it didn't make that much of a difference.
+++
fourth_rose: I think I need a whisky now.
cutecoati: Cheers!
The next instalment will be Roland Emmerich's "The Patriot" - and then we're done with Mel Gibson.
