| Current mood: |  bitchy |
King Arthur
This time, we bravely faced the atrocity that is Antoine Fuqua's King Arthur in the director's cut version.
Disclaimer: Unlike the other movies we've sporked before, we really didn't like this one. While many history movies try to include some sort of message, "King Arthur" has Issues. Very 21st century Issues. So expect a very 21st century reaction here and there...
As always, don't forget to bring your own spork and join in!
Title card: Historians agree...
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
cloudlessnights: That's a contradiction in terms.
Title card: ...that the classical 15th century tale of King Arthur and his Knights rose from a real hero who lived a thousand years earlier in a period often called the Dark Ages. Recently discovered archaeological evidence sheds light on his true identity.
fourth_rose: If I never hear the term "Dark Ages" again it will be too early.
Lancelot (voiceover): By 300 AD, the Roman Empire extended from Arabia to Britain. But they wanted more. More land. More peoples loyal and subservient to Rome. But no people so important as the powerful Sarmatians to the east. Thousands died on that field. And when the smoke cleared on the fourth day, the only Sarmatian soldiers left alive were members of the decimated but legendary cavalry. The Romans, impressed by their bravery and horsemanship, spared their lives. In exchange, these warriors were incorporated into the Roman military. Better they had died that day.
cutecoati: Uh... is this an alternate universe in which the Romans managed to defeat the Sarmatians? Because they lived in the Southern Ukraine which was never part of the Roman Empire...
fourth_rose: ...and even invaded Roman provinces in the late 4th century...
Lancelot: For the second part of the bargain they struck indebted not only themselves but also their sons, and their sons, and so on, to serve the empire as knights. I was such a son.
Roman soldiers arrive to take Kid!Lancelot from his family.
fourth_rose: The famous Arthurian character: Lancelot from the Yurt.
cutecoati: Well, at least they didn't make him speak with a Russian accent.
cloudlessnights: Sorry, but... knights?
fourth_rose: Let's save that topic for later, shall we?
Lancelot (still voiceover, it's the Exposition of Doom): We were sent to Britain to guard the wall which Emperor Hadrian had built three centuries before that.
cutecoati: OK, since Hadrian's wall was built around 120 AD, at least we have a timeframe now.
fourth_rose: Pity that we only know about Sarmatian troops in Britain around 170 AD, huh?
cloudlessnights: So there were Sarmatians in the Roman Army?
cutecoati: Hired Sarmatians. The Romans always had to import their cavalry since they were totally crap on horseback.
fourth_rose: It's those miniskirts, you know.
+++
Pelagius (to Kid!Arthur): Arthur, my boy, this scene is never going to make it into the theatrical version anyway, so let's have the worst dialogue ever. Let me blubber about the ideals of knighthood...
cutecoati: ...which will be developed sometime during the 12th century...
Pelagius: ...and also give the audience the first taste of this movie's Issues. Look at all these kiddies going to the army? You will once be their leader.
Kid!Arthur: What of their free will?
fourth_rose: Oooooooooh, Pelagianism! This is where they show off the fact that they have a history consultant...
cutecoati: ...even if he's spending most of his time petting his paycheck sobbing in the corner.
Pelagius: It has always fallen to a few to sacrifice for the good of many.
fourth_rose: I suddenly have a very bad feeling about all this.
cloudlessnights: I think it's safe to assume by now that the actual Arthurian legends will never make an appearance in this movie?
cutecoati: No, because they're going for historical accuracy instead.
fourth_rose: Excuse me while I laugh my ass off.
+++
Britain, the middle of nowhere. The stagecoach ambush scene.
fourth_rose: So this is supposedly 15 years later? They all look at least 30 years older.
cloudlessnights: Well, the Dark Ages were probably trying times.
Picts in green warpaint (who for some reason are called "Woads" in this movie) hide in the shrubbery. (Yes, that was a deliberate reference ;-)
cutecoati: Look, Greenfeet Indians!
Picts attack coach of Roman bishop. Arthur and his men come to the rescue. The first merry butchering scene of the movie follows.
fourth_rose: And again, all the Romans wear their scabbards on the bloody wrong side!! Unless you're a leftie, it's supposed to be on the right!!!
cutecoati: Why don't you give it up already? It's the same in every movie that features Roman soldiers, after all!
fourth_rose: I shall never surrender to the forces of stupidity.
cutecoati: Why not bitch about these armours instead? Look at Lancelot, all nice and shiny – while the real Sarmatians were rumoured to have armour made from horse's hooves!
fourth_rose: And that seems to be stretch chain mail he's wearing since it fits so snugly.
cutecoati: I'm also quite overwhelmed by the Samurai sword one of Arthur's men is using.
One of the Picts takes an arrow in the eye.
fourth_rose: This is obviously going to become a tradition in Britain.
Arthur holds his sword to a Pict's throat who, rather unsurprisingly, stops dead in his tracks.
cutecoati: Thanks, kind sir, if you'll just excuse me now, it's teatime...
Pict: *stammers some exposition about Arthur's sword*
fourth_rose: Are there runes on Excalibur's blade?
cutecoati: Has he been shopping in the Saxon camp again?
Merlin: *watches*
The bishop in the coach turns out to be dead, but one of the Roman soldier turns out to be the real bishop Germanius.
Bishop Germanius: Ancient tricks for ancient dogs, eh?
fourth_rose: What kind of accent is that?
Merlin: *watches*
+++
Ride of much exposition. During the chatter about wanting to go home to Sarmatia, Arthur's men take great pains to address each other by name so we finally learn who's who.
cloudlessnights: Aren't Lancelot and Galahad supposed to be father and son?
fourth_rose: They probably dug up historic evidence against it.
cutecoati: Gosh, this is supposed to be Hadrian's wall? It rather looks like the Chinese wall!
Arthur (goes into declamation mode).
fourth_rose: Does that guy ever get off his soapbox?
Arthur: Rome is the sacred place to have all mankind free.
cutecoati: Nice to meet you, Abrahamus Lincolnus.
+++
Meeting at the – scarcely populated – Round Table.
Arthur: Let us commemorate our fallen brothers!
cutecoati: Must we really face every cliché in the book?
Bishop Germanius: Are you Christians?
Lancelot: *puts down heavily bejewelled chalice* Us? Nah, we're all Pagans. We just ran after some weird tacky cup for some time, but I think this one's prettier, anyway.
Bishop Germanius: *finds Arthur's medallion of Pelagius and breaks it*
fourth_rose: Clay medallions. Man, Rome is clearly past its prime.
Arthur: I look forward to meeting my old mentor Pelagius back in Rome.
Bishop Germanius: Erm, well, whatever. I have a final mission for you. It's an order from the Pope.
cutecoati: Since when does the Pope give orders to the Roman military???
fourth_rose: Could it be that Germanus of Auxerre had something to do with the character of this bishop?
cutecoati: Well, at least it would be the correct timeframe.
Bishop Germanius: You are to rescue Alectus, the Pope's dearest pupil, who for some unfathomable reason lives north of Hadrian's wall in the middle of nowhere.
cutecoati: What is a pupil of the Pope doing there? Is he on vacation??
cloudlessnights: Student exchange?
fourth_rose: May we just establish for the record that the Pope is not, actually, the ruler of the Roman empire? I guess it's hard to believe, but the empire is ruled by the bloody emperor!!
cutecoati: Who, by the way, is residing in Ravenna and no longer in Rome these days.
Arthur: OK, I'll do it. But if you don't let my men go afterwards, neither a Roman nor a papal army will save you.
cutecoati: The Pope has an army??
fourth_rose: The Pope? How many divisions has he got?
Bishop Germanius: Oh, btw, the Saxons are coming from the North, so you'd better hurry.
fourth_rose: Why are the Saxons coming from the North?
cutecoati: I guess they took the scenic route via the Scottish Highlands.
+++
Knights: *celebrate the end of their army time in blissful ignorance*
Tristan: *is uber-cool*
Boas' wife: *sings heartbreaking song of home*
fourth_rose: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
cutecoati: Isn't she his British mistress? Why does she want to go "home" to Sarmatia???
Arthur: Knights, brothers in arms, there's one more final mission for Rome before our freedom can be granted!
Knights: Fuck you! Let Romans fight for Romans!
cutecoati: OK, let's get this straight once and for all. The real Sarmatian troops some 150 years earlier were hired and therefore made a living out of fighting for the Romans. But in this movie, their home country was conquered and is a part of the Roman Empire. Which emperor was it who granted Roman citizenship to all the inhabitants of the Empire?
fourth_rose: Caracalla. Two hundred years before.
cutecoati: So, if we follow this movie's logic... they are Romans.
cloudlessnights: Well, they are going to fight, too. All those action scenes have to come from somewhere.
+++
Arthur: Oh, merciful God, I have such need of Your mercy now. Not for myself, but for my knights, for this is truly their hour of need. Deliver them from their trials ahead and I will pay You a thousandfold with any sacrifice You ask of me. And if in Your wisdom, You should determine that sacrifice must be my life for theirs, so that they can once again taste the freedom that has so long been denied to them, I will gladly make that covenant. My death will have a purpose. I ask no more than that.
cutecoati: *vomits*
Lancelot: Why do you always talk to God and not to me?
cloudlessnights: Because He doesn't talk back!
Lancelot: I don't like anything that puts a man on his knees.
fourth_rose: Mind. Gutter. Out!!!
Lancelot: I know I will die in battle. When I die, don't bury me. Burn me instead.
cloudlessnights: Mate, you've just signed your death warrant.
cutecoati: Nah, he's had a bull's eye on his forehead since he told his sister he'd come back in the first scene.
+++
Saxon invasion force. Saxon soldier attempts to rape a female prisoner.
Cerdic, Saxon Chieftain of the Constantly Sore Throat: Don't touch their women. We don't mix with them. I don't want our blood watered down.
fourth_rose: Is it possible to invoke Godwin's Law against a movie?
cutecoati: They were even considerate enough to cast the Saxon leaders with Germanic actors.
fourth_rose: Til Schweiger doesn't look to happy about his braided beard, too.
Cerdic: *is superhumanly beastly in a cold-blooded way*
Cynric: Listen to me and find out what a real German accent sounds like.
Cerdic: We have an image to uphold! Kill and destroy!
fourth_rose: I'm not sure the makers of this movie actually tried to make me think of General Sherman at this point.
+++
Merlin: *watches*
Picts ambush Arthur and his men in the forest. Using bows, nets and barbed wire. They have them totally trapped, then leave because it's obviously teatime again.
Merlin: *speaks Gibberish*
+++
Roman settlement in the north.
Arthur: I'm Artorius Castus.
fourth_rose: Who?
cutecoati: Lucius Artorius Castus? When was that guy around?
fourth_rose: Around 180 AD. And yes, we looked that up, thx.
Marius Honorius: This land was given to us by the Pope!
cutecoati: They're insistent, aren't they?
Tristan: The Saxons are coming OMG!
Arthur: I can feel evil lurking around here. Must investigate.
Galahad: Man, the Saxons!! We have no time! Don't you hear the drums?
cloudlessnights: Drums... in the deep!
Arthur: *finds hut of merry BDSM, priest included*
fourth_rose: OK, I'm confused. Why did they lock up all those people in there?
cutecoati: Punishment.
fourth_rose: For what?
cloudlessnights: Participating in this movie?
Arthur & Knights: *free prisoners in righteous outrage*
cutecoati: I find it pretty cool that they never ask why they were imprisoned. I mean, they could be crazy axe murderers or something!
fourth_rose: After all, we all learned recently that there are some crimes that strip prisoners of the right to be treated as human beings, didn't we? So what's he being all sissy for?
Arthur & Dagonet: *free Guinevere and curly child*
Crazy Priest: It's God's will that these sinners be sacrificed! I wanted to die with them! Watch me hammer home the point that religious fanaticism is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
cloudlessnights: Do all the baddies in this movie have to speak with an accent?
+++
Arthur: Guinevere, let me fix your dislocated fingers by squeezing them really tight. Because, you know, sometimes your saviour has to hurt you for your own good.
Guinevere: They tortured me with machines.
cutecoati: Iron maiden? Pretty advanced, in that case.
Guinevere: You're Arthur, the famous Briton who kills his own people.
fourth_rose: Oh, upcoming identity crisis!
+++
Saxon army.
Spy: I saw them riding. Could be Roman cavalry, could be knights.
fourth_rose: I'm really curious how they would define "knight" by now.
Cerdic: Never mind. Kill and destroy.
+++
Arthur and Lancelot ogle Guinevere.
cutecoati: I don't care you found her first! I'm way prettier than you!
Guinevere: Arthur, my father told me fairytales about you.
cloudlessnights: Now I'm seriously confused about the timeline. Isn't he supposed to be like, 25 at this point?
Guinevere: Is there nothing in my land that appeals to your heart?
cloudlessnights: Apart from the godawful weather?
cutecoati: Mint sauce? Haggis? Lukewarm cervisia?
fourth_rose: People, I need a break. My fingers start cramping from taking notes throughout this nightmare.
cloudlessnights: You want us to give them a good squeeze?
Guinevere: This land is Heaven for me!
fourth_rose: Girl, are you working for British Tourism or something?
cutecoati: You've been to the Caribbean, and you prefer this??
Guinevere: Lancelot, where are you from? The Black Sea?
cutecoati: Geography, A+. Impressive schooling system, these Picts.
fourth_rose: I really have to mention at this point that Lancelot would need at least an hour a day to keep his beard trimmed so perfectly.
Guinevere: Lancelot, you and I are much alike.
fourth_rose: We've both nothing in common with our characters in the Arthurian legends...
Guinevere: One day, you'll go home and have sons.
Lancelot: I've killed too many sons for that.
cutecoati: That makes you impotent??
+++
Guinevere: *goes to hit on Arthur for a change*
Merlin: Peace! The world is changing.
cloudlessnights: I can feel it in the wind...
Arthur: You bastards killed my Mum!
Merlin: Collateral damage, boy. She was of our blood, after all.
Arthur: I went to my father's grave and pulled the sword from the... earth.
fourth_rose: I'm severely unimpressed now, mister.
Merlin: We need a leader against the Saxons. Your sword was forged in the fires of Mount Doom Britain. It's your destiny.
Arthur: There is no destiny, only free will.
cutecoati: And bad acting.
+++
Marius Honorius tries to break free and takes the curly kid hostage. Guinevere shoots him with her bow. Not the curly kid, but the ebil Roman.
Lancelot: You know, fast-healing fingers are very nice, but this is ridiculous.
Scout: We found this futuristic Saxon weapon!
fourth_rose: Please tell me this isn't really a crossbow.
cutecoati: I'd rather not cross the Saxons now if I were Arthur. They might have guns, too.
+++
Alecto: Hear me speak with an accent that doesn't exist yet even if my Dad didn't. Btw, Pelagius has been executed for heresy.
fourth_rose: Thanks for telling us, historians have been unable to tell what happened to that guy until now!
+++
Arthur & men wander across a frozen lake.
Arthur: Let's make a stand here, boys. Send the women and children away!
Guinevere: Excuse me.
Arthur & men: Our bows are so much bigger than yours!
Cynric: *pouts*
Saxons: *march across the ice*
Ice: *cracks*
Dagonet: *sacrifices himself by breaking the ice with his axe*
cutecoati: There goes the real King Arthur's court jester – and this death fits his profession so well...
cloudlessnights: Methinks the ice favours the Britons. It only breaks under the Saxons.
Knights: OMG Dagonet! Wah!
Cynric: OK, let's call it a draw, people.
+++
Bishop Germanius: Kudos, boys. Here are your walking papers.
fourth_rose: Papers? That's what I call advanced!
Boas: Keep it, I'm free anyway!
cutecoati: Finally he got it!
+++
Burial of Dagonet.
Arthur: *waxes poetically over Daddy's grave*
Guinevere: You and I do not live in poems.
fourth_rose: No, at least not like this.
Guinevere: What are you afraid of, Arthur?
cutecoati: The script?
Guinevere: Rome is dead. This land is the last outpost of freedom. These are your people.
cutecoati: *blinks*
fourth_rose: Freedom? Who? Wtf is freedom now – the Romans? The Picts? Eh?
cutecoati: And one can so see that she'd prefer to kiss Orlando Bloom.
+++
Cerdic: Son, you're relieved from your post.
Cynric: *stabs random warrior*
cloudlessnights: If he keeps doing that whenever he's having a bad day, he'll soon run out of warriors.
fourth_rose: Apart from the fact that a Germanic king who did that would find himself in big trouble.
cutecoati: Well, it's still not common knowledge that you couldn't just go around killing your own people because you felt like it in the "Dark Ages".
+++
Saxon army arrives at Hadrian's wall while Arthur is busy screwing Guinevere.
Arthur: Boys, time to say goodbye. I'm staying.
Lancelot: Have you gone nuts?
Arthur: Nay, gotta be a hero.
cutecoati: Same thing.
Romans: *leave because they're not crazy heroes*
Arthur: *roars after them*
fourth_rose: Pretty advanced dentistry for the 5th century, by the way.
Picts arrive. One of them is Ninja!Guinevere in a leather bikini.
+++
Arthur: *heroically rides out to meet Cerdic all by his lonesome*
fourth_rose: A full-scale horse armour in the 5th century. Combined with a Roman infantry dress uniform. Now I've seen it all.
cutecoati: Don't say that. You're challenging fate.
Arthur: Cerdic, I fight for a cause that's beyond Rome's and your understanding.
cutecoati: And the audience's!
+++
Romans: *retreat*
Knights: *go back to Arthur because they're idiots noble*
fourth_rose: OMG the armours!
cutecoati: Especially Tristan's crossover between Attila the Hun and the Last Samurai!
fourth_rose: Well, at least the Attila part loosely fits into the timeframe.
cutecoati: But not in Britain!
fourth_rose: And why are the rest dressed up as Romans all of a sudden? I thought the whole point was that they weren't Romans?
+++
The fighting begins. Enter scantily clad Guinevere in green.
fourth_rose: I can't help feeling they confused Guinevere with Queen Boudicca.
cloudlessnights: Less paint and more clothing might be better for fighting.
The knights attack. Five people against an army.
Saxons: *stand around and let themselves be butchered*
Merlin: *watches*
Saxons: Let's storm the wall! Let's realize too late that we've walked straight into the oldest trap in the book – after all, we're feared and successful because we're so damn stupid!
Pict warriorettes: *shoot burning arrows*
Landscape: *goes up in flames*
fourth_rose: I fell into a burning ring of fire...
Merlin: *snarls*
cutecoati: Wow, action!
Elongated scene of merry butchering.
fourth_rose: It's amazing how the knights are jumping around in their heavy armours as if they were wearing tracksuits!
Cerdic: *seems surprised by Tristan's samurai sword for a moment – who can blame him, really – but kills him anyway*
fourth_rose: Isolde just saved herself a huge amount of singing.
Lancelot gets shot by Cynric.
Cynric: *evil grin*
Lancelot: *throws sword and pierces Cynric*
Cynric: Fuck... you...
Arthur kills Cerdic. Heroically, of course.
cutecoati: Cerdic needn't worry, his great-great-great grandson will one day don the green tights, and then all of a sudden the Saxons are going to be the goodies!
Guinevere: Drat, Lancelot is dead! Arthur, how am I to betray you with him now?
Arthur: Well, I don't get to bang my sister, either, so stop whining already.
+++
Arthur: Wah, my knights are dead! It was my life to be taken!
Voice from above: Ooops!
+++
Burial of Lancelot and Tristan.
fourth_rose: Lancelot told you to burn him, not smoke him like Norwegian salmon!
Lancelot (voiceover): For two hundred years knights had fought and died for a land not their own, but on that day on Badon Hill all who fought put their lives in service of a greater cause: freedom.
fourth_rose: That was supposed to be the battle of Badon Hill???
cutecoati: Which took place at least half a century after the Romans left, and most likely somewhere in the South of Britain?
fourth_rose: Btw, there were two Saxon leaders called Cerdic and Cynric at Badon Hill, and guess what? They survived.
+++
Wedding Arthur/Guinevere.
Merlin: Our people are one. You may kiss the bride.
Everyone *falling to their knees*: King Arthur!
fourth_rose: Lancelot would not like this.
Arthur: Britain will be one!
fourth_rose: ...in 1603 when James I becomes king, darling.
cutecoati: Apart from the fact that not even England was united before the late 10th century. Under a Saxon ruler, btw.
cloudlessnights: The new king seems under this strange compulsion to wave around his sword at every occasion...
cutecoati: Overcompensation much?
In preparation of future Robin Hood movies, this one ends in a joyful volley of burning arrows.
+++
Lancelot (voiceover): And as for the knights who gave their lives, their deaths were cause for neither mourning nor sadness. For they will live forever, their names and deeds handed down from father to son, mother to daughter, in the legends of King Arthur and his knights.
cutecoati: Well, with a few liberties in the re-telling, I guess.
fourth_rose: I officially do not understand the purpose of this movie.
cloudlessnights: I suppose there's a reason that the making-of on the DVD is called "The forging of King Arthur".
FINIS
Since we're going to Scotland in a few days, the next update won't be before the end of July – and inspired by our destination, it's going to be Mel Gibson's Braveheart!
